....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
