Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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