My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
