covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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