Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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