oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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