dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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