I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
