Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
