Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
