mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
