I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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