Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
