i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
