Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
