Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
