hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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