Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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