therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I sprained my soul last night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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