Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
