That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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