I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
