I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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