He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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