booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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