So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
