took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
