Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
