i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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