I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
