youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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