You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
