I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
