Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
