oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
