He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
