He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
