I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize