I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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