YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
