I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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