I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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