Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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