does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
