The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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