i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
