I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
