Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
