dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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