We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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